Achieve Optimal Wellness with Healing Your Spiritual Wounds

When I was in the Youth Group growing up, we used to refer to the acronym J.O.Y. That stood for Jesus 1st, Others 2nd, Yourself 3rd. Always in that order. The point being that it was important to have the mind of Christ and consider how I could be a good follower, disciple, and example of Jesus in my day-to-day life. And, in being a disciple, it was critical to be a “servant” in how I treated others. The emphasis, as I recall, was never placed on the “Y” element of the equation. I learned never to think of myself even if it was 3rd, 4th, or 5th. To consider what I thought, wanted, or needed first was anathema. Self-care wasn’t even on my radar. To think of myself first would have been cause for guilt and shame.

True self-care is when you consider your needs, wants, and desires when making decisions about how to spend your time, resources, and energy. What if someone in need comes to you with a request for your time - can you give them a ride to the store? And you have plans to see a friend for a couple of hours. Would it be ok to offer your friend a ride after you have had your visit? If they are desperate, then it is up to you to decide what you are willing to do. It needn’t be assumed that you will choose the other person’s needs before your own or that you are your friends only resource.

Radical self-care doesn't stop you from caring for others or stop you from acts of kindness. Not at all. In many instances, self-care is totally private and doesn’t involve choosing between caring for yourself and someone in need. And you will inevitably find yourself in situations where you need to consider your own needs and wants before even responding to requests for help. If there is a conflict, open a dialogue, stating what your needs are and determining whether there is a win-win compromise that serves both of you. 

The JOY way of being was so ingrained in me that it took years after leaving the church for me to feel comfortable thinking about myself first. Now, before going any further, I must emphasize what I illuded to above. I am not promoting selfishness, self-centeredness, or narcissism. I will always encourage acts of kindness that provide an opportunity to think of others when asked for a favor or simply in response to someone in need. And, I promote the idea of giving as I am able to help others. One way to practice putting yourself first is to ask yourself, ‘’What do I want in this situation?” and expressing it with no strings attached. There was a time years ago when I couldn’t even answer that question. One year on my birthday my partner asked me where I wanted to go for dinner. I was stumped on two fronts, first I didn’t want to disappoint her and ask her to go somewhere she may not have wanted to go and secondly, I couldn’t even make a choice, I couldn’t even think of a choice. I was so used to saying, “I don’t care, where do you want to go.”  

I’m all for JOY when we can put “and” in between those three words; Jesus and Others and Yourself, avoiding the hierarchy of service over self-care.